This torture pulls the heart strings unbelievably tight, ready to break and release an all encompassing flood of self-pity and tears and guilt. I tried to let it go last night but it wasn't really working, just a few pathetic tears that did nothing to take off the weight on my shoulders and now I feel so exhausted so utterly and absolutely exhausted I don't even see the point of just being here at home, shouted at by The Bitch and The Bastard, all the things I feared would happen once James left have come true and it sucks big time. Being the sole focus of your bored Mothers' attention, the criticism and the comments ALL THE TIME, the non-stop nagging and complaining makes me feel so useless and tired and unworthy of whatever it is one is supposed to be worthy of, I don't feel it anymore.

And I'm sick of school and work and I don't feel I can cope, my throwing up being just a psychosomatic illness and a phsyical form of how I feel inside, my true anxiousness and uncaring Mother "Oh God you're not worried again and being sick because of that" like my worries are too insignificant to cause this, that I can't have worries that are bigger than the size of a pinhead because I'm a teenager and it's stupid and wrong, but no one is seeing this, especially the people who are supposed to the most, TB x2.

And so I look forward to another weekend of criticism and put downs, being told all my faults in an endless stream of negativeness in an attempt to get me to improve myself - like that will help, being told how antisocial I am, yes thta will make me go out more and be social. And screaming and screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hearing but myself, empty screams echoing around my head.