My love. You are my everything. You are the definition of perfect. I love you so so much. You create a purpose in my all but hopeless life. I live to love you.

I always get the feeling that writing a diary online is by nature exhibistionistic and the people who read them are either interested in your petty life, or have voyeuristic tendencies. But there's being an exhibistionist and then there's writing the completely mushy crap that is at once highly embarassing and completely unnecessary. But as a reminder, the above quote is from the girl who also called her boyfriend baba so this kind of mooshy goo is not totally unexpected from her.

This has made me start thinking about why I write I diary (me!me!me!me!me!). Perhaps because I can express myself better in writing than orally but also because it's cool, looking back over the crap you've written and seeing yourself grow. Narcissistic - perhaps - but also they provide good memories, the day-to-day being rather boring of course but over a period of time (it's almost my 8 month anniversary with Diaryland, aww) you can see your life, yourself. But the only way that works is if you don't just write little fragmented sections a la Xanga-Anna-Rachel-Hilary but proper stuff. And that's the big difference - where they keep a 'diary' (in the loosest sense of the word) as a trophy of their Friday night achievements, their lesbian embarces, their string of boyfriends, others keep a diary as a record of who they were and who they are now. Who's is better? Perhaps it's not for me to say. But seeing who they are, what they do and who I am, the people I have as friends...I can't help thinking I have the better deal.

Of course, this all sounds very self-righteous and judgemental and this is my problem. That despite what anyone says it's impossible not to judge, even a little bit when someone does something that is outside your moral code or beliefs. You can't say you never feel anything when your best friend says she - for exmaple - had a one night stand with a girl. Or something. And because I am less adept at hiding my emotions I seem to get in trouble for showing them, in the sense that people think I hate them, or think I'm a bitch, or scary or often all 3. But it's not that, it's more of a why-should-I-put-up-with-your-crap when you obviously hate putting up with mine? Bring on more open relationships where you don't have to (try) and hide your emotions, to keep things smooth. Where did that ever lead? All you get is repressed anger, hatred and bitterness. And that's not what it's about. So why does it have to be?