My current crushee is The Awesome Guy At Dinner. TAG for short (because let's admit it: TAGAD sounds shite). TAG is everything you'd want in a guy. He's good-looking, he's hot, he's scrummy, he's edible. And, from my detailed analysis over the past 8 weeks (comprising of staring, staring and a bit more dribbling from across the dinner hall), I can tell he's sensitive, funny, masculine, caring, brave, gentle, ferocious...and so on.

I'll never talk to TAG because I'm afraid - honestly, freakishly, it-would-be-truly-terrible afraid - that he'll open his mouth and do 1 of 3 heinous things. He could a) sound like David Beckham and have a squeaky falsetto voice (unlikely but I wouldn't be able to restrain my laughter and a part of me would die, probably laughing). He could b) have the personality of either a wet dishcloth or a wife-beating masochist or c) he could be friendly and funny, sweet and kind and dare I say it - normal.

Out of all of the above let's face it - for him to be c) is the most devastating option. To have someone who's not only stunning but nice as well would be just too much. I would prostrate myself before him, have his babies and never leave his side (and where would that leave me, eh?).

So a crush he'll be and a crush he'll stay. I don't even want to know his name; what if it was something terrible like...Bertie? Or Howie? Or Moe? Or Barney? Or....ah I'll stop it now.