I feel pretty awful for Catherine, I know if I was in her position I would become recluse etc. I guess all we can do for her is be there and go visit her and make her feel a million dollars etc without drawing to much attention to her back and stuff. And at school, just try and make her load easier, I really do like that gal and it's a bitch to hear she's really down. We'll be there, I hope. I know I will be.

Trying to sum up my feelings about next year and Will is a BITCH, there was no way I thought it'd be this hard. I really don't know what I want from us, whether I can do it - I have no doubt that he can, at least that he has the heart to try.

But the doubts last night, I don't know if I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt or I genuinely don't want to make this effort, I have no idea what I see in the future. For once all I can see is the now. Maybe that should be enough, but it isn't and it sucks no one can help me bounce the crap around to find out the answers.

Let's try sum this up shall we? It seems like it'd work, but in truth letting my mind wander and imagine and daydream has made me doubt myself. I have some reservations about what happens after the year apart - how we will be and if we've changed, and more the fear that this will hold me back for the last year.

Of course, I'm also afraid that we've virtually reached the end now - what with his exams and Sjoerd coming around I believe my time with him is well and truly shortened and I keep giving up, thinking it won't work. What if I can't see any future, sometimes I can't - why spend the time hurting and wasting away? Waiting is suffering, forgetting is suffering but not doing either is the worse kind of suffering.