It's so stupid, that's the thing. Divisions are so stupid and after what we've all been through together - ski trip, phi phi it makes even less sense. No point moaning though, just got to find a way of dealing and coping.

It's a bit of a bitch though, I guess I'm feeling slightly snubbed after inviting them all, ooh let's see over 2 years...we get snubbed (although it doesn't really matter that much; to my recollection Friday nights with them were boring and lonely which is why I hated going out with them and didn't). But it's the thought that counts, right? And the total lack of thought there means something.

Between us as people, we have so many good memories. But I reckon as a group our memories are more often than not boring and lame and mixed, with not much unity and so maybe that's why this is coming about. Not that it matters so much, as Shelly and Catherine and I said less is so much more for us, and I don't know about them but I had a really good girlyish stupid dares time.

And being new people from Monday should be interesting, can't remember exactly what I said (ha ha think I was more drunk than I thought) but something about opening up and being happy with just me and them, don't need anyone else especially not them who are on a different wavelength.

So that's where I am now, really trying to work things out for Will and myself and also trying to make a fresh start at school, although God knows how difficult it is once your personality is 'fixed'. But there we go, rules are made to be broken and it's time I started breaking them.

As for Will, things are going well except for when I break down and cry which seems to be every night and every time I see him now. I really don't know what I'm going to do once he's gone, it definitely is the old paradox that you don't know what you have until it's too late, except I do know what I have - therefore the crying and pain and etars.

Much worse is that I still feel there is no one I can talk to about this, Catherine and Shelly are admittedly fanatstic grrls but about this, I know it's something I should figure out and I'm not getting there. Will's not right to talk about it too, and although my doubts have receeded I'm still not one hundred percent sure, which I need to be to commit myself to us and the future.

From now on, I'm not going to do anything half arsed, yes that makes sense. In all aspects of my life, I will throw myself into everything I can - friends (who are worth it), men (who are worth it) and stuff I take on at school. And if I don't think I can do it properly, I won't do it at all. Yes, this is who I am, somewhat now. But I will be this person from now on. I can do this and I will.