That's it really, jealousy is the root of all evils unfortunately. And it kinda makes sense now looking at it with Marie and noname maybe that's what started it but now what has carred on, I hate holding these kind of grudges and god knows I can hold them for some time but I just need some kind of bloody release, or resolution with noname but I can't do that. She's too quick, whatever I say will not be good enough, my reasons will be shattered and I will look like the fool that I am.

But I cannot go on like this, being sorta vague and bitchy toward them, at the same time I don't know what direction to take - I know I SHOULD talk to them but whether I do or not is a different matter tsk, I don't even know what it is anymore just that feeling again, of hopelessness sometimes and disappointment and anger.

For whatever reason, I feel like a pressure cooker and for sure this is definitely not the best way to deal with it, hey I'm even listening to bob's advice, miracle! But I can see other ways, and I choose not to take them (at the moment)....well at least it'll be all my fault if it blows up.

But how are you supposed to deal with these problems in friendship, the difference between how i sort things out with will and my friends is of course the love, although admittedly i love my friends, but in a different way. I just don't feel that obligation I do with bob, or more that desire I feel with him which I do not have with them, desire to make it work for the future.

Which leads me to ask, do I even want this, them for the future? How can I see it so clearly with Will, that he is all I want but be so unsure about this?

I can't even believe this stupid issue with them has been going on so long, since before the 7s, and worse I cant believe I've changed sides from noname and Marie to Shelly and Catherine.

Hmm I think it is time to back of with the first two and definitely unite with the second two, jeez sometimes I feel like a bitchy girl in Survivor...please let me off, please let me out.