The thing I'm most afraid of when I go back to HK is the memories. Because being in England is bad enough, alone but not really because I'm stuck with my parents. When I go back I'll have 12 hours alone. The memories in my head run through like an endless film everyday. There are so many memories, some run like a mini movie - walking along the Peak, sex with him, certain films when we were together. But others are snapshots, and there are countless billions of these. A face on my lap, a hand, a glance when he doesn't know I'm looking. These memories are priceless, and the reason they hurt so much is because that's all they are now, memories. Not real flesh and blood, just a ghost shadow of the past.

But it gets worse when I go back, when I will go back. Just as it is for him now. Because these memories become real in Hong Kong, the memories come to life in people you see, places you go, things you do. Every little thing is touched with us. I don't look at it as a bad thing - I know it's great we have built so much that will hold us steady. But it's draining, running through all those ghosts that can no longer be present. It drains me thinking about it. Why would anyone want to live in a ghost town?

Maybe I'm looking at it in the wrong way, well I know I am. I am so positive about the future, I can feel the moment I see him again and know he's here and we're back. But that makes it worse, the far future seems so close but the near future, all the tomorrow's....seem so far. It feels like a battle.

I ache and wish and want to fade away to where he is.

I don't ask myself if what we have is real, as I know it is. Nothing else could hit me so hard. But it's weird trying to move on, move past the pain without letting go of the person. Does that make sense? Maybe you can't move on if you're trying to hold onto someone.

No, that's wrong.

I'm not trying to move on, I'm trying to move up to something better. But it is so hard, growing pains have never been this painful. I can't call because I'll cry, it's awkward and stilted on MSN and e-mail, I can't write down everything I want to say. I have lost my words, I am left with my emotions.

I don't care anymore, that's the feeling. I have said I've lost my oomph before but now it's seriously, truly gone. And I need my drive, I need my girls and I need my boy. I am the sum of my parts, and one very large part is missing, or on leave.

I counted the months and it makes me feel sick. But I know I can, will hold out that long because we are worth it. I need some help. Anything worth having, you have to fight for. I just feel so weary but I can't give up. I can't believe everything is so close and so far.

I want you. That is all. Whatever else I've moaned about missing in the past, whatever else I've thought may have been my desire pales compared to this.

I have to keep going. Please help me to be strong.