But anyway. I must keep myself positive. Damnit, I've only been away 3 days and it feels like 3 bloody months. No NO bad thoughts. I AM STRONG WOMAN. Jeez I really don't want to go back to HK I am scared of everything. I am most scared of picking up the phone and accidently dialing the wrong number i.e Will's number. I love him. Hell it's all I've been dialling for 9 months. So I need to stay OCCUPIED.

PLAN OF ACTION FOR 9-10 MONTHS (12 AT MOST)

1) Take up sport (ok I am lying now, be more realistic)

2) Eat more (no, don't want to be fatass)

3) Diet more (perhaps), a viable option but he says he doesn't like stick women.

4) Make new friends (I need to go out more)

5) Go out more (I need to be more open)

6)Be more open (but not slutty open? not whorish open? or yes?)

6.5) Be more understanding, listener type personne

7) Keep it fresh with Will (definitely)

Ok so plan for next year boils down to

eat more, go to the gym more, diet more, go out more, be quiet more. Be an opposite.

Thank god for writing. See i may LOOK random but actually my thoughts are coming together. I AM THE QUEEN.

I reckon I have split personality.

So we start the BIG UNIVERSITY TRECK NEXT WEEK and I am so scared. I am posh southern woman going up to northern workers / COMMONERS weird accent place. Ok I am also racist? Is it possible to be racist in your own country? OK I AM OFFICIALLY WEIRD. Maybe they should start shooting down people like me to prevent inbreeding on the British Isles. Or I can escape to Alcatraz and lock myself in there. THE PERILS OF MADNESS.

I can feel myself throwing up smokescreens, my strangeness masking my pain/grief thing. The strange thing is, it doesn't feel like it. Well it does. I can feel my heart weighing down, although I don't know why. It will be fine, I tell myself.

Let the feelings out and keep living, or finding somehting to live for.

THAT'S IT! I NEED MY GOALS, MY FOCUS. And it can't be seeing Will next year because I start getting to excited then sad and nostalgic. Other goals.

So my goals next year:

1) Learn something new. Whether it be dirty dancing or kickboxing mark and tim's ass. Actually I'm going to make it YOGA. I will be a yoga guru, whom everyone loves, respects and admires by the end of next year. I will have calm, and inner poise. I will be able to do yoga in the south of france at 5 am in the morning. I will be bendy and supple. OK so it's all madness.

2) Learn to DANCE. Imagine - lesbian dancing scenes with Kirsten and Bhav. Remember to pay Kirsten and Bhavna for the hard task ahead of them. Practice swinging hips in sexual way before bedtime to increase flexibility.

3) Speak french more in preparation for poss. taking it at uni. Make french friends. Plan wonderful trips aorund france with bhavna the wino.

4) GET A JOB TO FINANCE SMOKING AND ALCOHOL HABIT

4.5) QUIET SMOKING AND ALCOHOL HABIT IN ADVANCE OF IT BECOMING A HABIT

5) Worry less about what others think of you e.g I CAN SMOKE AND DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT.

6) Be a wonderful, caring, lovely person.

7) Stop being unrealistic.

8) Work hard. Don't screw uo exams. Remember I am making my future.

FUCK EXAM RESULTS. I cannot believe they come before my birthday so I will effectivly be penialised if they are bad, and I have a feeling they will on french and perhaps english and definitely history and maybe psychology. I hate damn expectations. I was lucky in my gcse's, in these i feel lady luck has gone.

I miss my girls. All this moaning about missing will, which I do, i miss my girls as well. I am too dependent. NEW GOAL FOR NEXT YEAR become less dependent. I can do that.

Ok so I feel better now, I have so many things I want to keep writing about. RELEASE THE FURY. I was looking at that picture, the one of me and Will on the dinner dance. I can understand why people burn picture, altho obviously I am not going to burn our pictures. Because they hold an essence of what you are, a memory that you can relieve. Ouch this hurts. Time to move on.

I miss you guys, please help me through this. And make me be not strange for when I go around uni's and repell everyone.