People often complain about getting SPAM in their inbox. This is stupid. If I've learned anything from all of the devout Christians who email me each week - aside from the fact that I'm going to burn in hell for all my copulatory sins - it's that everything happens for a reason. If you get an email, it's God's will. So, unlike the rest of you ingrates, I've been taking the time to reply to all of these unsolicited emails, and you won't believe the bounty that I've reaped.

The first was from a man named Manoocher from the Enlarge your Penis Alliance. He claimed that he could help me add up to 3 inches to the length of my penis. My first thought was, "What am I going to do with a 13 inch penis?" But who am I to question God's will? So naturally, I replied.

The second was for legal marijuana alternatives. Now I don't know about you, but my drug of choice is crack cocaine but I'm always willing to try something new. After all, NEW 100% Legal Marijuana Alternatives like Blueberry Buds and Purple Haze Herbal Smoke were in stock NOW and ultra POTENT. So I replied.

The third one was from Schmaber who does not usually forward messages, but this was from his good friend Pearlas Sanborn who really IS a lawyer. It was about a little known beta test that Microsoft was running, where they paid you just to forward emails. Her brother's girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. She showed Schmaber a check for the sum of $4,324.44, and it was stamped "Paid In Full".

Now, I know Bill Gates personally (Mother's Uncle's Friend's Dogwalker) so I called him, and you know what? It was absolutely true. I just received MY first check for $4325.86 and it really was stamped "Paid In Full" just as I was promised!

But the most recent emails have been even more exciting. Here's a taste:

I AM DR OKAFOR JAMES SNR THE FINANCIAL CONTROLLER OF NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC)AND

BY THE VIRTUE AS A DIRECTOR IN THE NNPC LAGOS, I GOT YOUR

CONTACT ADDRESS FROM AN ASSOCIATE WORKING WITH THE

NIGERIAN EXPORT PROMOTION COUNCIL AND I DECIDED TO

PROPOSE TO YOU THIS BUSINESS IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.

I do know a lot of people who work with the Nigerian Export Promotion Council, so it would be hard to narrow it down to who turned these guys on to me. I have to respect their wishes, and keep their proposal in the strictest confidence, but let's just say they want to give me 25% of $20.5 million just for letting them deposit it in my account.

Then I received another email from a different Nigerian guy named ENGR. MAC UCHI. He wants to give me 30% of $26.4 million for doing the very same thing. Are these Nigerians the most generous people on the planet or what?

I just sent all of my banking information, along with turning over my power of attorney to those hard working Nigerians. It's been a couple weeks and I haven't heard back yet. But to be honest, I'm too busy playing with my enormous penis, and getting wasted on my high quality, totally legal, herbal marijuana to really care.