Home Improvement

An angry woman�s rant about the state of men in the 21st century...and what to do about them.

How many times have you been jilted, jarred or downright scarred by a member of the opposite sex? In my years spent in New York � the capital city of dating hell � I�ve kissed Princes who�ve turned into frogs and, well, just too many warty frogs to count. From the various failed relationships of my friends and colleagues, I�ve learned that men who drive Ferrari�s are just soo uncool and men who wear ties on a date are waay old-school.

To help you do a bit of �home improvement�, here�s Cosmo�s list of classic male pitfalls�beware, boys!

Heartbreak Hotel

Cosmo, chocolate and champagne (the three �Cs� of living, dahhling) are forever�but men are here tonight and gone tomorrow morning! Help is at hand though � best friends have a knack of weeding the good boys from the rotten. Listen to them when you�re out on the town. You�ll never know if they will have saved you from serious dog breath emanating from a man called Dwaine the next morning�

Don Juan? More like Don� Try

What is it with laziness in the 21st century world? Ok, so we have mobiles, Wi-Fi and laptops as slim as Naomi Campbell that help us economise our time�but bring back old fashioned romanticism and manners! They�ve been long replaced by newfangled self-obsession, and of the course the scourge of the 21st century � the Metrosexual. Guys, no girls want a man who spends longer in the bathroom than she does. Girls � watch out for Metrosexuals (they�ll be the ones filing their nails or primping in the mirror). The bathroom is the holy turf of woman, and it shall remain that way forever more.

Double Dutch

Apart from common miscommunication that occurs regularly in any male-female encounter, we want to know: what�s happened to the good old system of men paying for us when we go on dates? Our company may come at a rather expensive price (3 course dinner at Le Quatre Saisons) but surely it�s worth it? Here at Cosmo we�re blaming it on the curse of the Neo-Feminist, hell bent on making ever man�s life a misery. Burning your bra? Ha! For the Neo-Feminist, burning down men�s houses is more likely. You�ll always be able to recognise a NF � they�ll be the ones shouting at men who hold doors open for them. Our solution: every time you see a Neo-Feminist letting rip on a poor, defenseless man, go up and hold the door open for her�only to let it �accidentally� slam into her face. Whoops.

Excuse-moi?

The gift of the gab, when used for flattery and compliments, is a skill immensely treasured by women. Eloquence is a rare trait in 21st century men; something we think is the result of a stunted literary education. Here at Cosmo we believe a �National Back to School Reading Marathon� should be introduced, forcing men to knuckle down and read the old classics such as �Bridget Jones� (female psychology), �Pride and Prejudice� (courtship and wooing) and of course �Cosmo��for an all rounded education.

STROMO�s

STROMO�s (straight-dressing homo�s) are extremely baffling. We all want a best-gay-male-friend but please, don�t confuse us any more. STROMO�s. Very confusing indeed.

�If you were a door��

Some of the worst chat-up lines Cosmo has ever heard include, as told to my friend Nancy, the declaration of impotence on the part of a man. Presumably he thought that it posed some kind of challenge for the woman to rise to, as it were. Claiming childhood trauma or abuse is never a good way to catch a lady�s attention, however much men think it will bring out our mothering instincts, perhaps fight-or-flight is more accurate. Instead, we demand worldwide action on the part of women. Go ahead and say �Hi!� to that cute hottie whose eye you�ve caught. Remember: when in doubt, work that pout!

Love Shack

A little home maintenance can go a long way. A home created in the style of bohemian artist den is cool�but the crack cocaine den look has never been � la mode. The little things can make a difference. Start encouraging your man to wash a plate after he�s used it (baby steps at first), or even to start doing the washing up. This inevitably can improve the most unsanitary of kitchens. Oh, and a toilet roll is always a must�if you can get him to put down that newspaper.

Kitsch is Kool

Little bejeweled photo frames, pot pourri�why don�t men let us indulge in our feminine fancies? After all, we could really do without the scabby Man United stuffed toy that sits on the bed, or even the decrepit poster of �Wham!�. Here, a little training is needed. Take a leaf out of Pavlov�s book and slowly persuade your man that he doesn�t really need that scarf from his first football match, age 7�and when it�s gone, quickly back up what you�ve said with a little bit of positive reinforcement of your own, if you catch our drift.

Is it a bird, is it a plane�?

No, it�s your boyfriend who�s tried (unsuccessfully) to dress himself for a smart dinner party. Despite what many people think, we at Cosmo believe that there are some things the majority of men (excluding STROMO�s) cannot do � that is, dress themselves properly, in a way that doesn�t scream tramp instead of thank you ma�m. Most men are shopping resistant and it will take all your womanly wiles to get him to venture within 100m of a shopping centre. Our advice: when you�ve got him this far, don�t let him go until you�ve done absolutely everything you want to. Such a rare opportunity cannot be missed, even if it means you have to watch football for the next week �to make it even�.

Your mission now is to transform your man�if he needs transforming. Begin slowly and build up � rewarding all the time � until you�ve ironed out all of those �little� habits that drive you up the wall. And in the end, if you�re lucky, you�ll still have the same boyfriend you love�without those damn annoying bits you hate!