At lunch with the Mutti and Vati after a round on the golf simulator (I can do this golf thang!), Vati piped up:
"If you and James don't smoke or take drugs by the time you're 18, I'll buy you both a car".

Complete silence at the table, as both my jaw and that of Mutti's drop, "WHAT?!" screeches the selfish Mutti (I am thinking, Shut Up selfish Mutti, let the man give me a car!). Vati continues:
"If both of you don't smoke and don't drugs you can have a second hand car each - not a new one mind you - but a second hand car". Fine by me, will probably crash a new car anyway. Mutti ruins the mood,

"How will you know if they haven't?" I have to pipe in to stop him retracting his offer.

"Not a problem for me (Ed: now). You can smell my breath every evening if you want". Vati looks horrified.

"No no. But if I ever find out you are smoking or taking drugs you won't get the car". I think about this and realise it will never be a problem because drugs and smoking are a) too expensive and b) not my thing and c) I want a car. Better get him to sign on the dotted line before he can retract me and James' new cars,

"OK. That won't be a problem, this is the easiest way to get a car ever! Shake on it". We then shake hands.

Of course, I don't know where the hell that came from and Mutti said he didn't talk to her about it (way to go Vati!). Either way, I'll be definitely getting a car. And James - god bless the stupid retard - is probably already a heavy smoker and won't. Ha ha ha. More car for Laura.

Now I am getting ready a contract which he is going to sign when he gets home. Cars away!