These magazines purport to be purveyors of wisdom along the lines of: "How to Give Your Girlfriend Multiple Orgasms", "Want Her To Scream All Night? Follow Our 10 Top Tips" and in this latest issue, "FHM'S Sexiest Massage Ever: How To Touch Her Pleasure Points". This, in particular was hilarious.

Picture: a gorgeous, blonde woman lying topless across a double centerfold page. Various arrows pointing at the basic erogenous zones with topless women giving their opinion on how to 'make your woman' squirm. However, their advice was clearly lacking something: the female touch. It was as if they had modified their instructions to

fit what men could already do! One example: pinch the area between the eyebrows to release tension. Now, if any man comes up to me and thinks he's getting his mitts near my eyes he'd be badly mistaken. Plus, pinching! A girl's pinch is 1000x more different to a man's pinch i.e David and Goliath.

Another poor tip from Barbie Number 3: "I like it, after a man has used his hands on my back, if he uses his feet and stands on me. Be careful though, I'm only small!".

That's right, Barbie! The candlelight's flickering, music playing in the background and suddenly...your manfriend stands on you! What a turn off. Surely that kind of freakish technique is only reserved for masochists and/or professional masseurs. These magazines should come with a warning - DANGER! DEATH AND/OR GREVIOUS BODILY HARM MAY RESULT FROM USING THESE TECHNIQUES.

FHM and GQ. Shame on you.