In 3 shifts I have learned 5 things that I thought I would share with you, loyal readers.

a) If you want to get served quickly, smile. No matter how stupid you think you look - you don't look half as bad as you think you do. In fact, don't just smile - beam, glow, radiate! Always, always look happy. Miserable bastards get served last. In a sea of sweaty faces, the man/woman beaming at me (despite the heat, drunkeness and overcrowding) will get served first. Bonus points if you are good looking. In my weaker moments, sometimes I serve beautiful people standing at the back of the queue first. No, it's not fair, but who ever said being a bar bitch was about fairness?
b) After I've served you, don't tell me that "s/he" is next and point vigorously to the person on your right/left. I know that s/he is your best friend and has probably queue jumped 20 people to get to the front. Like I'm going to listen to you when there's 50 other people who've properly waited. See rule a).
c) Don't ask for top ups. So your glass of wine is 0.5 mm under the official, fill-me-up-to-here line. What do you want me to do - get my microscope out? Fine. Just don't ask what I actually top your glass up with. (That'd be the dregs of whatever's lying around, you cheap bastards).
d) If you ask for less ice, expect less drink. Cocktails are pre-measured and by saying NO to the ice, you are of course going to get a smaller glass of liquid. Idiot. Then, don't complain to the manager because you'll only have the basic maths pointed out to you and all this time, people are staring and getting angry so really you should just fuck off and stop wasting my time!
e) Always, always tip. Whatever you can. Even if it's 10p, it makes a difference. In one week. of 18 hours of work. I have earmed �1.25 in tips which, for my American friends, is $2.40. Really, it's shit. And I smile sweetly, pour pints wonderfully so really, there's no excuse for this stingy behaviour from customers who are earning upwards of �12,000 a year. Grr.

And there concludes my rant for today. Back to work on Monday and I just. Can't. Wait!