No, I'm not homophobic of course, but put two woman in a relationship and you wouldn't get a quarter of the shit that flies between men and women. Case in point: "I'll call you soon". By God, if you date a woman she might actually call back within 2 days! And so on. Two men? Well, they're both playing the same game and they both know the rules of their sport. No problemo.

So my perfect world of male-female dating is very simple - you have to do what you say, or say what you do. If you say, "I love you with my heart, soul and mind" and other such guff you actually have to love someone like that. Even if it means gouging out your heart, soul and mind to prove it. That's the beauty of it! People will stop saying things they don't mean and everything they do say will mean so much more. If you say, "You have the hair of a Greek Goddess and the smouldering eyes of a Persian Princess" or something equally cringworthy - then the complimentee would actually have to have eyes and hair like that or you'd face a $1,000,000 fine and life inprisonment.

Common situations soon to be resolved by Laura's Law (catchy):

- Picture: it's the end of a date. You're standing at the front doorstep. You want: an early night and fun with Ben Affleck and Colin Farrel. He wants: a night of rampant sex with whips, handcuffs and some kind of food stuff smeared on his body.
Old scenario: Awkward bumping of noses as he tries to shove his tongue down your throat and you try to defend your tonsils. You say those fatal words, "I'll call you sometime". You never do, only to wake up the next week with a nice new reputation as The Cocktease.

New scenario a la Laura: I don't plan on getting squelchy with you. Ever. Thanks for a great evening! Kiss kiss. Exit. All done! He will never call you again and you have not lied. You both know where you stand and you can both look back and thank God you weren't made a fool of. Honesty is the best policy.

-Picture: "I'll call you!" says talldarkandhandsome date.
Old scenario: you wait by your phone for 5 days pretending you're not waiting. You check your dial tone to make sure you're connected. You check your mobile to see if you have messages. You call each phone to make sure they're working. After 2 weeks, you give up.

New scenario a la Laura: talldarkandhandsome says "I'm sorry Laura, I have a girlfriend, I live with my Mother and her budgies and frankly don't have time to lavish the attention on you that you so rightly deserve. I also have serious commitment issues and a small, limp penis! Please forgive me! I will never interrupt your busy and oh-so-important life again and I won't call you. What an arse I am."

And so, with a hint of honesty and more than a dash of truth and tact...life becomes much easier.