And I salute the Greeks for putting on an excellent display of Grecian history spanning (what seemed like) 3 billion years. Were those things humans, or statues? Holy cow, they move like puppets but look like people! And why did the Greek woman have a glowing baby inside her stomach? Are we the spawn of some alien race? And just how can you fill a stadium with boats and water? All valid questions that shall remain unanswered.

However, the one thing that bothers me about Olympic coverage is the wide variety of overdone/non-sports that have made it through the selection process (air pistol shooting, anyone?) I watch too much tennis/football throughout the year. Hockey (which I didn't even know was Olympic worthy) is boring enough to play but possibly death inducing to watch.

Instead I want to see gymnastics! Leotard clad women waving balls/ribbons/various body parts in a scary and bendy way! Synchronized swimming! Synchronized diving! Athletics! Burly men throwing javelins and big shotputs through the air! People running 100m in 9 seconds!

My favourite Olympic sport is of course swimming (and you only need look so far as the suitably buff Michael Phelps and the eternally hunky Ian Thorpe to know why). But women swimmers are scary. The term 'broadback' comes to mind when you look at them in their skin-hugging full length body costumes. Not to mention the fact that they can do 400m in 4 minutes which I must admit is somewhat miraculous as it takes me about an hour just to get into a pool (it's all about the hairstyle, and messing up of the hairstyle. Swimming caps are a no no).

Anyway, as Olympic season sets off in full swing I shall remain glued to the television watching lithe, bendy atheletes do what I could never do - a triple somersault pike backflip hoolijamgigy - off a 10m board. Well, I can actually do that. I'm just camera shy, you see.