In every other country they wave a magic metal detector wand over you and that is enough. But Holland's hands on attempt is novel, and it must be said, quite thrilling if you're a bit of an exhibitionist. That said, it's also embarrassing, humiliating and uncomfortable.

Air travel is generally uncomfortable and at worst, excruciatingly awful. I ended up sitting next to a Dutchman who was at least 6' tall and probably just as wide. The worst part was that I was sitting on the aisle and BeefyDutchMan was in the centre. Having offered to swap seats with him he replied, in a thick and absolutely Austin-Power-Goldmember accent, "That is my seat so that is where I will sit". Fine. Fuck you!

We were at a stand-off. He kept splaying his legs at angles ranging from 90 degrees to 180 and generally infringing on my personal space (all 30 cms of it). I kept glaring at him malevolently and kicking his feet back onto his side of the handrest. Yes, I can play tough when I want to.

Suddenly, an angel (read: stewardess) swanned down the aisle and waved her (imaginary) magic wand. She had obviously seen the fracas and intervened, in a gracious act of kindness and goodwill. Angel moved the BeefyDutchMan 10 rows forward and left me with an empty seat.

Score!

The moral of this story that this is a silver lining to every Fat Man and when in doubt, glare and kick like a 5 year old child having a tantrum.